By Joe Pavia
No team does this to Thadeus T Postlewaite - no curling team that he's ever skipped at least.
It was the summer of 1894 - hot as hades in Ottawa and Thadeus T was getting hotter because his team just told him (by telegraph no less!) that they were dropping him from the rink. He had been excited to get a telegram. Not knowing what its content was he had asked the boy who delivered the telegram the sing it to him because he never ever had received a singing telegram.
"But sir," said the boy. "This isn't a singing telegram." "No matter young man. Sing it and I will give you a sizeable one dollar bill." winked Thadeus T.
The boy agreed and sang out "After due deliberation, we your curling team have decided to look for another skip. Good luck next season." Thadeus T stood there in shock just staring at the boy. "Would you like me to sing the chorus again sir?" asked the boy.
Not only had he received devastating news but he had to pay one whole dollar to hear it. "That boy will never sing in burlesque anway." thought the former skip.
He sat in his horse and buggy barn fondling his two iron rocks that he got his blacksmith to fabricate for him just a few days prior. Almost in an unconcious state Thadeus T drooled on the rocks, a veritable Niagara Falls of spittle that was beginning to discolour the irons.
Undaunted, he rode his steed throughout the town seeking out curlers or people who had stopped curling, or people who might like to try it - anyone really -even people who had seen, stood or fallen on ice ever.
Finally he forged a new squad. There was Jake Hammersmith, the one armed painter, Plaster Lemoge, who was recently released from jail for larceny (I won't make him the team treasurer concluded Thadeus T) and Ellington Chipweiler, the former curling club champion who, through force of drink, couldn't stand upright if the wind blew at more that 3 miles an hour.
Thadeus T made his plans for the upcoming season. With his one arm strong (Hammersmith lost his left arm while argueing with a threshing machine) Thadeus devised an adaption to a straw broom that allowed Hammersmith to tuck the stick into his voluminous quadruple chins. Problem solved for his lead. His second, Plaster Lemoge, didn't need much work other than the fact he had never curled before. As to the perpetually wind challenged Chipweiller all he could do was let Chipweiller fall where he may and hope for the best.
Thadeus T worked his new team hard as soon as the ice was installed. The days until he faced his old team were dwindling. He dreamt up scenarios whereby he would beat, devistate, destroy, murder his former teammates. This took up most of his time when he wasn't polishing his rocks.
As he was loading hios rocks into his buggy he heard a newsboy yelling a headline "CURLING CLUB DESTROYED BY FIRE. READ ALL ABOUT IT!" Thadeus T scampered as quickly as he could to the newsboy, ripped a newsaper out of the surprised boy's grasp then read every word about the fire.
"My God my God my curling club. It burned to the ground. What am I going to do!" Thadeus T blubbered to the world.
Sweet revenge was not to be.